The Happy One
by TheSecretCat
Summary: Really melodramatic story in which Phineas's facade falls apart, and everyone realizes just how broken he really is. Because nobody can be that happy. Lots of angst. Complete!
1. Chapter 1

**Hi there! This is the first of my collection of fanfics I'm too embarrassed to put on my main account! So yeah. I wrote it. It was fun. I don't want to delete it, but there's no way in HECK I'm letting my normal followers see it.**

**Disclaimer: Hahahahaha. You're funny.**

* * *

Phineas has been having nightmares every night for over a month the night he wakes up from a black pit of sleep, sitting bolt upright in his bed. He doesn't know what's woken him, but he knows it's terrifying. The horror fills his brain, and something he can't see or touch clamps around his chest, so he can't get enough air. Even if his lungs could open wide enough, though, there still wouldn't be enough oxygen in his system- there's a huge lump of something in his throat, pressing against his esophagus. His stomach feels like it's full of wet cement- or bad diner food. He's shaking, shudders so intense coursing through him that his blankets slide off the mattress.

He doesn't know how long this lasts. His mind is too clouded with panic for him to pay attention to anything other than the fear coursing through him. Eventually, though, things get better.

When the clamps belted across his chest loosen enough that he can breathe again, Phineas notices that his brother is sitting next to him, Ferb's cool hand holding Phineas's sweaty one. Ferb looks so much tanner than his brother, even though just that morning their skin was the same shade of summer-just-ended tan.

The lump in his throat has shrunk enough that Phineas can turn to his brother and give him a wobbly smile before saying, "I'm all right, Ferb. Really."

Ferb doesn't say anything- unsurprisingly- but there's a worry line between his eyebrows and his mouth is pinched into a thin line.

Phineas feels his smile get stronger on his face, even though, for once, he's not actually happy behind the expression. "Go back to bed," he says softly. "I'll tell you if I need anything."

Ferb squeezes his brother's hand, then releases it and reluctantly pushes himself off the raftlike thing that is Phineas's bed, walking back to his own.

He watches Phineas lie back down and pull his blankets back where they belong. Phineas turns to the far wall. Ferb lies down and puts his arm around Perry again, and both watch Phineas's back silently. The blankets covering the redhead shake almost imperceptibly, and Ferb's eyebrows, which had almost return to normal, slide back together. He holds Perry a little tighter, but he doesn't move otherwise. His brother obviously doesn't want anyone to worry about him, and though Ferb can't help that, he can keep quiet- he's good at that.

It's decided. Ferb will keep his brother's secret- for now.

Decision made, Ferb drifts back to sleep, still watching his brother's trembling silhouette. Phineas is already back in his dark dreams. In the darkness, only Perry's eyes gleam, focused on one of the two things he cares about more than his job.

* * *

The next morning, Phineas feels fine- mostly. His stomach is the tiniest bit twisted, so he goes lighter on breakfast than he normally would, but his hands are steady and dry, and his breath comes easily. He heads to school, confident that last night was just a fluke. So what if he's a little less chipper than usual? He's allowed to have an off day every now and then.

So he smiles just as wide as he normally would in the face of the almost imperceptible crease between his brother's brows and heads off to school.

He knows what he's going to do today: he'll shake that look of Ferb's face one way or another. He's not sure how yet, but figuring it out is always the fun part.

They make it to school early- probably because Phineas hasn't spent as much time eating as usual, and meet up with their friends around Phineas's locker to talk. Baljeet is checking Buford's math homework, as usual, and Isabella is dividing her attention between the fireside girls she's texting on her cell phone (coordinating a dance of some sort- the details have slipped Phineas's mind for the moment) and the boys around her. Phineas joins in the chatter without paying much attention to what he's saying.

Ferb listens to the conversation. Normally he'd be eyeing up girls right around now- Phineas may be one of the only fifteen-year-olds in the school who has yet to notice girls, but Ferb is definitely a ladie's man (it helps that he's a good listener, as he's told Baljeet. Girls love boys who let them talk)- but today Phineas has most of his attention. He's focused enough on his brother that he sees it when his hands start to shake a bit.

Phineas wouldn't have noticed his hands if his breath hadn't caught in his throat at the same time. But in the time it takes for him to recover and pick up speaking where he left off, he sees his right hand quiver on the edge of his locker. He squeezes it tight, balling his free hand into a fist, until he feels steady again. Then he shuts the locker and turns back to his friends, smile ready for them.

Ferb catches his eye, and Phineas wants to smack himself. He's doing a bad job at getting his brother to calm down. He flashes him a reassuring smile, and they walk down the hall. Ferb knows that Phineas knows that he's unconvinced, but neither say anything.

* * *

Phineas has been waking up the same way for three nights in a row, now. He hasn't figured what's causing it, and all he's able to do is sit there, hands clutching at his pajama legs, shaking and sweating, until the mindless terror passes and he's able to think again. Ferb is always there when he comes out of it. He sits next to him on the bed in silence, and waits until Phineas gives him a shaky smile. He doesn't leave until the redhead has fallen back asleep.

Phineas is conflicted about this. On the one hand, he doesn't want his brother to to worry- doesn't want anyone to worry about him, ever- and hates that he's the reason for the crease in Ferb's forehead that hasn't gone away since this thing started. But he's also very, very glad for Ferb's presence with him. It makes things easier, and the world, which has suddenly started to seem much too big for this boy who once went around it in a day, becomes manageable again, just while Ferb is here to help it make sense.

Today, Perry is there, too, squeezed between the brothers. Phineas reaches down to pet him, and the platypus chatters. This, too, is comforting.

"Thanks," Phineas says to both of them. He takes a deep breath before saying, "I'm… I'm all right now." His smiles have gotten progressively smaller as the nights go by, but he still gives his brother the biggest one he can muster- which isn't very big.

"No," Ferb says.

"Huh?" Phineas asks, not quite following.

"You're not 'all right,'" Ferb snaps. "You haven't been 'all right' in days, and you aren't now. Please stop lying."

Phineas's smile falls off his face, and he looks down at his lap. "I know," he whispers. "It's just…"

He trails off. Perry presses in closer to his side and chatters again. Ferb squeezes his brother's shoulder.

"I just don't want you to worry," Phineas finishes.

"I'm your brother," Ferb says. "It's my job to worry about you."

Phineas's smile feels less forced as he looks back up at his best friend. It's still small, but it's real. "Sorry," he says.

Ferb pats his shoulder, then moves to get up.

Phineas grabs his arm. "Stay?" he says. "For tonight?"

Ferb looks at his brother, then down at the bed, which isn't very large. Then he looks back at Phineas's face. This is the first time Phineas has admitted he needs Ferb's help with this. The first time he's admitted he's not okay, that he can't deal with this all on his own. So even though Ferb's big, firm bed is calling to him, he lies down next to his brother.

Perry lies between them, and if it weren't for how bouncy Phineas's bed is, Ferb almost wouldn't be able to feel him shake.


	2. Chapter 2

**Just so you know, chapter breaks are going to be pretty random here. The whole thing was written in really short sections, and none of them would work as chapters on their own, so I'm just combining them wherever I feel like.**

* * *

Ferb doesn't know how to help his brother, and it's agonizing him. He can't help but think Phineas should go to a doctor, or at least talk to their parents or something, but he knows better than to suggest it again- the first time, Phineas nearly bit his head off. Then he apologized so profusely that Ferb was afraid he'd start crying.

Phineas is still himself most of the time- at least when they're around other people. He's always got a smile for Isabella, almost always has a smile for everyone else, and he's been keeping up with his schoolwork and planning some projects for the weekends, but when he and Ferb are alone, it's a different story. In those moments, the facade drops- if it is a facade. Ferb isn't sure. Phineas seems genuinely happy sometimes. But when they're alone, he's moody- by turns angry and heartbroken, and the only thing that can keep him happy is building things.

Phineas looks at him sometimes, and for just a second, in those eyes, with the dark circles under them (Ferb's beginning to think they're permanent), Ferb sees so much pain it's impossible for him to bear. Then it's gone. Buried.

Ferb would give anything to see his brother back to normal. Whatever is going on with Phineas, it's hurting Ferb as much as it is his brother.

* * *

Phineas can't stop shaking. Before it would come and go, but now his hands are quaking, just the slightest bit, all the time.

He wants to curl up in a ball and hide in Candace's old panic room until he can get a hold on himself.

But he won't do that. Because he doesn't want anyone to worry, and if he hides, he'll scare them. It's bad enough that Ferb is worried all the time, but everyone else? Phineas couldn't take that. So he sits on his hands until they stop moving and goes back to work, ignoring the fact that they're still moving on their own, the tiniest bit.

Sometimes it's worse, and his whole body shivers uncontrollably. Most of the time it's just this tiny jiggle. If he's careful, if he slows down just a little, he can work just fine around it. His handwriting's a little bit wobbly, but since he and Ferb send most of their blueprints to the store anyway, he doesn't mind all that much.

Inventing is the only thing that still makes sense to him, now. When it's him and Ferb and whatever machine they're putting together at the time, things are right again. Through everything else, he spends his whole time waiting, fighting off the fog of fear threatening to rise around him.

Because it's not just at night anymore. He hasn't told Ferb yet, but a few times when he's been alone, he's had another attack.

He's not sure how much longer he can deal with this.

He wishes he wasn't too afraid of hurting people to ask for help with this.

* * *

Perry has seen Phineas in trouble before. Ferb, too. Usually, though, they can get themselves out of it just fine. And when they can't- well, that's usually because Doofenshmirtz is involved. And then Perry can fix it. But this?

He can't fix this. He doesn't even know what's wrong. He just knows that Phineas is not himself, and it has everything to do with what happens every night.

Perry has stopped switching beds in the middle of the night, now. He knows Ferb understands, because half the time Ferb ends up in Phineas's bed with them. Phineas is better on those nights. It's not much, but Perry can tell.

What Perry doesn't understand is how no one else has noticed yet. Lawrence has always had a rose-colored glasses view on the world, but he's a good father. Candace just thinks he's growing up at last, and getting out of her hair. And Linda… well, Linda has always expected the status quo about her boys, and she normally sees what she expects, but she's not blind, for crying out loud! All she's seen is that Phineas is eating less, though, and it drives Perry insane.

He's never wished that he wasn't a platypus before, but now he wants to be human, just so he can get Phineas some help.

* * *

Ferb is at the drugstore. He's in an aisle full of medicines, looking at a collection of sleep aids. A lot of them are just cards he'd have to take back to the counter to buy, and he's not old enough for that, but several are herbal remedies or things like benadryl, and he can just grab them.

He's considered inventing a thing to help his brother, but the truth is that he and Phineas have tried that a few times, and it hasn't worked so far. Besides, Ferb doesn't know much about biology or psychology- the two things he thinks will help Phineas right now. He's excellent with anything mechanical, and he can build anything he wants, but he's never been the best at humans. They're too delicate, and they don't come with blueprints.

So he grabs one of the bottles that he thinks will work and brings it to the counter to pay.

* * *

Phineas is helping Isabella plan her fireside girls party- for the graduation of little sparks to full-side fireside girls- and wondering where Ferb has gone. Isabella is wonderful and all, but Ferb is the one who can help him right now- and he's starting to shake again. He needs Ferb. Just in case. He doesn't want Isabella or her troop to see him like that, or to have to try to help him without someone who understands- as much as anyone understands, anyway.

He's enjoying himself pretty well right now, honestly. It's just that his hands won't just be steady the way he needs them to be. He's attaching streamers to the ceiling, which doesn't take a lot of steadiness, but once he finishes this there will be other things to do, and he might not be able to.

The other day he dropped a hammer on Ferb's foot and almost nailed himself to the thing they were building because he was shaking so badly.

It's ironic, but when this whole thing started, Phineas didn't know what he was afraid of. Now every time he has a panic attack, the thought that keeps buzzing through his head is 'what's wrong with me?' Funny that his fear has turned into the reason for itself.

Still, it was nice to be here with Isabella and their friends, doing something useful. He found that he enjoyed being useful more and more these days. Sure, inventing just for the fun of it was still great and all, and he never wanted to stop doing that- it was just so right, building with Ferb- but he also really liked just doing things to help people. It was soothing.

And more than anything these days he needed to be soothed.

He was almost done with the streamers when a hand tapped him on the shoulder. His breath caught in his throat and he spun around, almost dropping his armful of streamers and-

It was Ferb.

"Oh, hi Ferb," Phineas said, giving him a small smile. "You scared me."

Ferb raised his eyebrows. Phineas guessed that had been obvious.

"Where've you been?" he asked his brother.

Ferb held up a plastic bag, opening it so Phineas could look inside.

There was a package of some sort of sleep medicine in the bag. Phineas immediately knew it was for him. He wasn't sure it would work- he'd tried Nyquil himself, after all, and all sorts of internet sleep remedies, and none of them had helped- but he looked up at his brother and smiled. At least Ferb was trying. And if Ferb was willing to give it a shot, the least he could do was try it, too. "All right," he agreed. "We'll see what happens tonight." He handed the bag back to his brother and went back to hanging the streamers. "Thanks, Ferb."

His hands were still shaking, and he almost dropped the tape. While he was fumbling for it, the crepe paper slipped from his hand.

Ferb caught it and lifted it back up to the wall where it belonged.

Phineas flashed a smile at his brother. "Thanks," he said.

The worry line between Ferb's eyebrows was more prominent than usual, but he gave his brother a thumb's up with his free hand.

They did the rest of the streamers together.


	3. Chapter 3

Candace knows something is wrong with Phineas, she just doesn't know what. She hoped, for a while, that maybe he was just settling down, but she knows better. Phineas will never stop doing impossible things.

And yet, somehow, he has.

And this terrifies her. Her brother may be reckless and annoying, but she loves him dearly, and if it weren't for how wrong half the things he does are, she'd like to think she'd be perfectly content with them.

And not having them… Well. There's a hole in her life.

So she goes to talk to Ferb.

Phineas is, for once, not in the same place as his brother- she thinks he's in the kitchen, but she's not sure. Ferb is in the backyard, lying in the grass and staring up at the light shifting through the leaves of the tree. Candace sits down next to him.

Ferb looks up at her, then turns back to the tree. He ought to be inside, helping their mother, but sometimes it's too painful to watch Phineas pretend to be okay. Right now is one of those times.

"Ferb…" Candace starts. "Have you noticed anything… weird, about Phineas lately?"

Ferb nods. Weird isn't the word he'd use, but he supposes it fits.

"Do you know what's wrong?" Candace asked.

Ferb nods again.

There's silence.

Then Candace asks, "Ferb… are you crying?"

He is, Ferb realizes. He didn't even notice. It's not much, just a bit of wetness dripping down the side of his face closer to his sister, but it's there.

"Oh no," Candace says. "Phineas is… it's bad, isn't it?"

Ferb nods. He blinks a few times, and his vision is clear again. He's too old to cry about something like this. After all, Phineas isn't normal, but he's not dying or anything. He's just… in trouble.

But it's so hard, being the only one worrying about him. It's so much work, trying to take as much weight off Phineas as he can.

"Tell me," Candace demands.

And because it's so hard, Ferb does. He tells Candace about the month of nightmares and how it led to this- two weeks and then some, of Phineas's nightly panic attacks, the shakes that won't stop, the way their brother's moods are swinging like a pendulum, the fact that Phineas won't let him tell their parents.

By the time he finishes, Candace is hugging him, and he's hugging her back, and he feels so much lighter. Nothing has changed, but now he's not the only one who knows. He's not the only one who'll be worrying about Phineas. He has someone he can talk to.

And Ferb wants to talk about this.

* * *

Of course the first thing Candace wanted to do after she found out was tell their parents.

She ran inside, shouting, "Mom mom mom!"

Ferb followed her, wondering, in part, if he'd told Candace about Phineas just so she'd take it out of his hands and tell an adult herself. Then he wouldn't have to.

In the kitchen, Candace declared, "Mom, Phineas is having panic attacks!"

Mrs. Fletcher turns to her daughter, then looks at her youngest son. "He seems fine to me."

Phineas gives his mom a shaky smile, but the look he turns on Candace, and then Ferb, is very, very nervous.

"It's true!" Candace protests. "Really it is, mom, you have to believe me!"

"I'm sure Phineas would have told us if anything were wrong," Linda says. "Right, Phineas?"

Phineas laughs the tiniest bit, and his hand creeps towards his ear. He scratches it once and puts it back down. It's shaking. "I'm fine," he assures his mom.

"But mom, he's not fine!" Candace protests. "Ferb told me!"

"Really?" their mom asks. "Ferb? Phineas?"

But the brothers aren't looking at their mother, they're looking at each other.

"You promised," Phineas whispers.

Ferb shakes his head. "I did no such thing. And Phineas, you need help."

"Phineas, are you saying-" Linda asks.

Phineas nods. He doesn't even try to hide the shaking in his hands any longer. His whole body quivers. "Every night for almost three weeks I've been waking up and just- I don't know, panicking. I don't know why."

"Phineas, why didn't you tell us?" Linda asks, sounding hurt and worried.

"I didn't want you to worry about me," Phineas says. "I didn't want anyone to worry about me. I just want this to go away." He's still staring at Ferb, and the hurt look in his eyes is now matched with a little anger. "I wasn't going to tell anyone."

"You need help," Ferb snaps back. "And I can't give it to you."

"Well, I didn't want to hurt anyone," Phineas retorts. "And now look- Candace is freaked out, Mom is scared, and Dad's going to be upset too!"

"And I was already terrified!" Ferb shouts.

Whatever Phineas was planning to say next, he stops at that. He stares at Ferb, who takes a deep breath, calming himself down.

"Phineas, you can't deal with this on your own," Ferb says. "And I'm not enough to help you. You need someone who understands what's going on with you."

The fight goes out of Phineas and the shaking returns- he hadn't even realized it was gone- and he whispers, "I just didn't want anyone else to get hurt."

"We love you," Ferb says. "You need to let us worry about you, too."

"Okay," Phineas whispers.

Linda looks at her sons, then puts one arm around each of them. "I think we need to talk about this as a family," she says, drawing the boys with her into the living room.

* * *

The family talk is, of course, uncomfortable for everyone. Phineas is very reluctant to tell his parents what exactly is going on with him, particularly that the nightmares he can't remember started almost two months ago. Ferb ends up explaining, secondhand, most of Phineas's symptoms to their parents.

Linda and Lawrence are horrified.

Candace just sits there looking worried.

"Is there anything else we should know about?" Linda asks, looking from one of her sons to the other.

Ferb shrugs. He doesn't know.

"I'm shaking all the time now," Phineas confesses, after a long pause. "And- sometimes I have panic attacks during the day, too."

Ferb shoots Phineas a wounded look.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you," Phineas says. "I thought I could deal with it on my own." He looks up at his parents. "But I'm getting worse." He bites his lip. "I'm scared."

Candace puts an arm around her brother. "You'll be okay," she promises.

"I just didn't want to worry any of you," Phineas says, leaning into his older sister's embrace.

"Well, we're worried now," Linda says. "I wish you'd told us sooner, Phineas. I'm going to call the doctor."

Phineas groans into his sister's shirt.

Lawrence pats his stepson on the shoulder. "I'm sure you'll be fine, Phineas. The doctor will sort you right out."

Ferb hopes so.


	4. Chapter 4

"Where's Phineas?" Isabella asks Ferb the next morning.

"He's at the doctor's," Ferb says.

"Oh," Isabella said. "Is he all right? I noticed he's been looking tired lately, but I thought maybe school was just hard, or you guys were working on a big project or something."

"We don't know," Ferb answers.

"Do not know what?" Baljeet asks.

"What's wrong with Phineas," Isabella answers.

"What's wrong with Phineas?" Buford asks.

Ferb thinks he might find this funny if he weren't so worried.

"They don't know," Isabella answers.

"Well, actually," Ferb says, "We sort of know." He's a bit conflicted about this. He knows Phineas would never want their friends to know his problems. But he also knows that they have a right to know. He decides, then, with the other three looking at him, that Phineas can stop being quite so noble and do his friends the justice of letting them worry about him if they want to.

"I thought you said you didn't know what was wrong with him," Isabella protests.

"We don't know if he's okay," Ferb corrects. "He's been having panic attacks, though, and our parents are taking him to the doctor to find out more."

"Panic attacks?" Buford asks. "What about?"

"Nothing, as far as we know," Ferb shrugs.

"Well then what's he panicking for? Don'tcha have to be scared of something to panic about it?"

"In most cases that would be correct," Baljeet says, "But panic attacks can be caused by an anxiety disorder with no concrete source."

"Oh, I hope he's all right," Isabella says.

So does Ferb. But he's glad to see that, though his friends also look worried, they appear to be able to handle the news that Phineas is not in perfect health. When it comes up in conversation with Phineas, he'll point out to his brother that he ought to give the people he loves more credit. They can handle a bit of worry, and they deserve to know.

He's so glad they're no longer alone in this.

* * *

The doctor isn't helping. Phineas goes and talks to him, and they discuss why Phineas might be upset, but the truth is that Phineas doesn't know what's bothering him. He's just… not okay anymore. And he doesn't think this doctor can fix it.

He doesn't want to tell his parents, though, because they're so sure this will work.

So he goes and pretends everything is all right.

Then he goes back home and smiles for everyone.

He walks into his room now and smiles at Ferb, who is sitting on his bed doing homework.

"Hey-" he begins.

Ferb puts a hand up to interrupt him. He doesn't look up.

Phineas is hurt. "What's wrong?" he asks. "Did I do something?"

Ferb shrugs.

"What is it?" Phineas asks, sitting on his bed.

"I just-" Ferb starts. He stops, then looks at his brother and says, "I just want you to stop lying to me, Phineas. You can keep pretending to hold it together for everyone else, but I can see straight through that. And it hurts worse that you think I can't than seeing you the way you really are would.

Phineas drops his smile. "Sorry," he says.

"It's okay," Ferb says.

They sit on Ferb's bed in silence. Phineas is not okay- may never be okay again- and they both know it. It's a bit of a relief to stop pretending anything else.

* * *

"How are you feeling, Phineas?" Lawrence asks, giving his son a small smile across the dinner table.

Phineas smiles weakly back. "Better," he says. "The doctor… it's helping, I guess."

But Ferb sees the way Phineas is pushing his peas around the plate with his fork, and he knows his brother isn't telling the whole truth, because he hasn't seen Phineas eat more than a few bites in weeks, and they're together at every mealtime.

"Well, that's excellent, then," Lawrence says, though, apparently oblivious.

The conversation moves on to other things, and Phineas takes a few bites of food while Ferb watches.

Towards the end of the meal, Linda notices. "Phineas, you've hardly touched your food," she says, her brows drawing together in worry. "Are you-"

"I'm fine," Phineas says hurriedly. He takes a bit of food to prove it. His stomach churns. He takes another bite anyway.

Ferb, his own plate empty, looks sidelong at his brother as he eats his food methodically.

Phineas stands up, shoving his chair back, and says, "Excuse me." He runs from the table to the bathroom.

Ferb tries to ignore the sounds coming from in there (he's used to them), but Linda doesn't. She follow him and asks, "Phineas?"

Phineas doesn't answer. He's too busy dry heaving- everything he's eaten is already gone, but his stomach doesn't seem to know it, yet. It's too busy trying to shove itself up his diaphragm to stop and realize there's nothing left to bring up.

Finally, his gag reflex turns off, and he leans his head against the toilet bowl, taking deep breaths. He's shaking worse than usual, and his mouth tastes like bile and salmon- a bad combination, but the porcelain is cool and refreshing.

He doesn't move for a long time.

* * *

Ferb is sitting at the kitchen table with his parents, Candace, and a doctor. Phineas is in the other room. Ferb doesn't know why they're bothering to keep him out of hearing; he's just going to tell his brother what the doctor says as soon as it's over.

"We've established that Phineas is hiding something that bothers him," the doctor says, "we just don't know what. It's as if he doesn't even know what the problem is himself."

The doctor says a number of other things, but that's the one that Ferb finds important. Once the doctor is gone, Ferb heads up to their room and tells Phineas what he said.

"I know," Phineas says, and the defeat in his voice is painful. "He told me I need to figure out what it is if we want to get anywhere. And I've been trying, but I just… Every time I get close, I start panicking again. I don't have any idea what the problem is."

Ferb is sitting next to him on the bed, and he pats his brother's shoulder. He doesn't know how to help, so he's just listening. It seems like it might even be good enough.

* * *

When Ferb knocks on the bathroom door after Phineas has been in there a good ten minutes longer than he usually is when his stomach is turning itself inside out, he finds it's open, which is a bit unusual- Phineas doesn't like anyone to be able to walk in on him when he's at his weakest moments, head poised over the toilet bowl.

What Ferb sees inside the room makes it even more confusing as to why Phineas didn't lock the door. Unless he wanted to be found.

Because Phineas is standing over the sink with a knife that normally belongs in the kitchen- a big serrated thing that's almost never used and is deadly sharp- digging into the skin of his wrist (a small part of Ferb's brain wonders why on earth he'd use a serrated knife, that doesn't even make sense).

When Phineas looks up and sees Ferb in the doorframe, he's not sure whether to be upset or relieved. His arm is sliced open, and it feels so much better- he's stopped shaking, and his mind is clear again. He likes this feeling. But he hates how he feels after, and hates that he's keeping it a secret. It's nice that Ferb knows, now.

"It makes me feel like me again," he offers to Ferb.

He's been looking it up online, and people have told him it's like a way of letting off the pressure. They're right.

Ferb grabs the knife without a word, tearing it out of Phineas's hands.

Neither notice he's grabbed it by the blade until he puts it down and grabs Phineas's face with both hands, smearing his own blood on his brother's chin.

"Never do that again," he hisses. "I don't care how awful you feel, if you do that again I will-" he stops.

"What?" Phineas says with a bitter laugh. "What will you do? Hurt me? I can do that to myself. And telling Mom and Dad won't make me stop. It'll just make it harder."

"I'll hurt me," Ferb says at last.

Phineas feels his eyes go wide. "No," he whispers. "You can't- Ferb, no!"

"Think about how it would feel if you walked in on me doing that," Ferb says. "I don't want to have to tell anyone or follow you all over the place, but if you don't stop, I'll follow you into the damned shower if I have to, and I will make you see what it's like."

Phineas is crying again- the clarity is wearing off. It wears off faster every time he does this.

"I'm giving you an ultimatum," Ferb says. "This is one thing too many. I can't… I can watch you hurt, if I have to, but I can't watch you make it worse for yourself."

Phineas nods, tears still streaming down his face. The knife is so close- he can feel better, just for a bit, if he takes it. But he can't take what that will do to Ferb, So he lets his brother take the knife away, and when Ferb comes back, he lets him wash and bandage his cuts without a word.

As Ferb cleans Phineas's wrists, he hopes what he said will have an effect. He wants to beat this into Phineas's brain, because the sight of that boy leaning over the sink with a bloody knife to his own arm is worse than anything Ferb has seen.

* * *

When Phineas passes out during school, it's the breaking point for Ferb. It's in between classes, and the gang are walking Phineas to class- it's a habit they've picked up since this began. Phineas is rarely alone anymore, partly because Ferb doesn't quite trust him on his own (he's trying to get the sight of blood dripping from Phineas's wrists and a kitchen knife he'll never be able to look at the same way and his brother's shaking form out of his mind, but it keeps coming back), and partly because the others are scared, even if Ferb hasn't told them where the wounds on his brother's arms have come from (only Isabella has seen them. She's guessed, and cried on Ferb's shoulder).

So when Phineas falls over, he at least doesn't land on the floor. He collapses into Baljeet, who stumbles back into Buford, who catches them both with his solid form.

Isabella is already screaming for help before Ferb knows what's happened, and Irving has shown up out of the shadows as he often does, and is running for the nurse.

Ferb can't do anything for a minute. He wants to, but all he can do is stare at his brother and notice how thin he's gotten- Phineas has always been thin, but it's been a healthy sort of thin, the kind of look that a boy whose body is too focused on growing up to grow out. Only now he's like a skeleton with skin, and his head looks too big for his body in a way it hasn't since they were nine.

Ferb wants to cry. Instead, he leans over and begins checking his brother for signs of life, doing whatever he can before help arrives- because Phineas is already broken. They can't afford for Ferb to break down, too.


	5. Chapter 5

Phineas is in the hospital now. He passed out because he didn't have enough nutrients in his body. Ferb feels awful- he should have seen this coming. But he didn't, and now his brother is so malnourished his body can't even keep itself awake on its own.

"Why haven't you been eating?" Linda asks.

They're all in Phineas's hospital room.

"I tried," Phineas says. "But I couldn't keep it down."

He's got an IV in, and the doctors are talking about giving him a feeding tube.

Ferb should have known.

* * *

Isabella comes to visit Phineas in the hospital with her friends, and stays after everyone else has left.

Phineas gives her a weak smile.

She tries to smile back, but it doesn't quite work, so she looks at what he's fiddling with- his hands are always occupied somehow anymore, even more than before- and asks, "Whatcha doin'?"

"I'm building an infinite ice cream machine," Phineas answers. "It's the only thing I want to eat right now, and they won't give me any. So I'm going to make some of my own."

That's so typical of Phineas that, when she looks at his thin form lying on the bed, the circles under his eyes, and his shaking fingers, it makes her want to cry.

She can't stay there any longer. She stands up, kisses him on the forehead, and whispers, "Get better soon, Phineas. I need you." Then she runs out of the room.

* * *

"Hey, Phineas?" Candace says, knocking on her brother's hospital room door.

She hasn't been to see him in over a week- in her defense, she's been busy. But she still feels bad.

But Phineas just smiles at her and says, "Hey, Candace. How've you been?"

Of course.

This just makes her feel worse, honestly. He's asking her how she is when he's lying in a hospital bed, hooked up to all kinds of machines, shivering too bad to prop himself up. And he's still smiling.

She's seen the look on Ferb's face, though, when he thinks nobody else is looking. She knows that those two share everything. So she knows Phineas is not anywhere near as together as he wants her to think he is.

This is the only time she's told on him that it actually did anything. She's glad the mysterious force let her protect him, for once. Even if it's not doing as much good as she'd hoped.

They talk for a while, and she tells him what she's been up to, trying too justify why she hasn't been to see him to herself. He shows her the latest thing he's built, which actually isn't all that decides not to call him out on it.

Then she has to leave, and as she gets up to walk out, for a second she sees an expression of infinite pain on her brother's face, and she wishes more than anything that she could stay. But she can't. So as soon as she's out of the room, she calls Ferb.

"Hello?" he asks.

"Ferb? It's Candace."

Well, obviously.

"Listen," she continues. "I've just left the hospital, and I think Phineas is lonely. Do you think someone could come keep him company for a while?"

"Of course," Ferb says.

Candace smiles. That's one thing she's done right today.

* * *

Phineas hates the nights the most. The hospital never really gets quiet, and he's always left sitting around in the dark, trying not to fall asleep. Because every time he sleeps, the nightmares he can't remember come. And now he wakes up without Ferb of Perry there to comfort him. He's left alone and shaking in panic.

The nurses come help, but the night nurse is strictly business. She gives him a shot of something that makes him feel heavy and stupid and leaves. He hates the shot. It stops the panic attack, sure, but not the fear. Now everything is just slower.

So on the night Ferb shows up just as the hospital changes shifts, wearing striped pajamas and holding a pillow, Phineas gives him the biggest, most genuine smile he's worn in months.

Ferb gives him a thumbs up back.

If they weren't in this hospital room, things could almost be normal again.

At first, Ferb sleeps on the chair, but after the third time Phineas wakes up shivering, he crawls into the hospital bed next to his brother. If anything, the bed is more uncomfortable than the chair- which is saying something. It's not wide enough for two teenage boys, so Ferb has to lie on his side. This would be fine if the bed weren't slightly z-shaped to prevent bedsores, but as it is, Ferb is awkwardly draped over the thing, one arm wrapped around Phineas, the other holding him up so he doesn't fall off the bed.

It's a long night for both of them, but it's much better for Phineas than any other night since he's come here has been.

The next day is better, too. Ferb doesn't go home, and the two work together to build a remote-television system so Phineas can see what's going on outside the hospital.

The next night is just as long, but Phineas manages to eat something the next day for breakfast, and again for lunch. It's just two pieces of toast, but that's better than he's been doing, and Ferb is relieved. His smiles seem less forced, and his hands are a little steadier.

Ferb wishes he could stay longer, but the next day is Monday. So they spend Sunday adding audio to Phineas's spy-cam system, and tying it in firmly to the hospital room's TV, then after dinner, Ferb goes home.

"Ferb?" Phineas calls as his brother walks towards the door.

Ferb looks back, the question unasked, but visible in his eyes.

"Thanks," Phineas says. "I know this can't have been a fun weekend for you, but it was… more fun than I've had in a long time."

Ferb says, "It was more fun than I've had in just as long, too." He can't believe Phineas doesn't already know that he'd rather be helping Phineas feel better than doing anything else.

"Could we… do it again next weekend?" Phineas asks.

"Of course," Ferb says. He turns and leaves, because he doesn't want Phineas to know how much it hurts him that they've both stopped expecting Phineas to be home before the next weekend.

He sleeps over every weekend until it's over.

* * *

When the family comes home from their daily visit to Phineas, Candace stumbles over Perry's food bowl, spilling its contents all across the kitchen floor.

"Ferb!" she complains. "Why did you have to feed him early? Now my shoes are all dirty!"

"I didn't," Ferb says. Actually, he's not sure he's fed Perry in days- it keeps slipping his mind, and the bowl is always full.

"Well, then where did the food come from?" Candace complains.

Ferb looks at Perry, who, for once, is exactly where he left him, on his pet pillow. He realizes that the platypus hasn't eaten in days. And he realizes that nobody's told him what's going on.

Maybe it's silly to think that the animal can understand him, but Ferb decides it's not fair that Perry is the only one who doesn't know how Phineas is doing. So he picks his pet up, carries him up to his room, and explains things to him as best he can. Since nobody knows what's wrong with Phineas, exactly, it's hard to do, but he tries his best.

The next morning, Perry's food bowl is absolutely empty.

That's one thing that's going right, at least.

* * *

Perry hates this. He's become an expert at defending his family, after nearly a decade of it. Phineas and Ferb have gotten themselves into all kinds of trouble over the years, and he's always been able to get them out of it- and only blown his cover once.

But he can't do anything about this. This is all inside Phineas's mind, and Perry can't get in there.

He can't even offer any comfort other than lying in Ferb's bed at night and letting the boy squeeze him so tight it hurts. Ferb never cries. Most of the time he wears his ordinary expression, blank mixed with 'I'm cool enough not to point out how uncool you are in comparison.' The only sign that something is wrong is that he won't release Perry at all.

It's interfering with his work, now. He hasn't lost to Dr. Doofenshmirtz yet, but he's come close the past few times. What hurts the most is that he can't explain what's wrong to his nemesis. It would just leave his family open to problems in the future. Sure. Doof wouldn't do anything while Phineas was in the hospital but if (when) he gets better, Dr. D will still know who Perry's family is, and he can't have that.

He's considering requesting to be put on leave. If this goes on much longer, he may have to.

* * *

It's hard to tell who's taking it the hardest, but Isabella and Ferb are definitely competing for the title of worst-affected-by-Phineas's condition. Ferb hasn't built anything in days. Isabella hasn't even tried to earn a single Fireside Girls patch since she found out Phineas was sick. Because, after all, a lot of the patches were just excuses to talk to Phineas. And Phineas is the enthusiasm to Ferb's steadiness.

Neither of them feels whole without the redhead.

Ferb is trying so hard to hold it together, though, while Isabella has mostly given up on that. He's being steady for his parents, because he's always been solid, immoveable. Ferb can stand against any obstacle.

It's very hard, though, when he sits in his bedroom and looks at the empty half of it. He doesn't know how much longer he can do this.

Today, he's not alone. The others are with him.

"The doctors said they're about ready to give up," Isabella tells Baljeet and Buford. Ferb already knows.

"What?" Baljeet exclaims. "No! They cannot give up! What will they do? Just send Phineas home? That is not going to fix anything!"

"They just ain't smart enough, that's all," Buford says. "Dinner Bell and Ferb here were already makin' people less scared of stuff when they were kids! Even if it didn't work too well."

"It almost worked," Ferb said, "But-" he stops, not because someone's interrupted him, as often happens, but because he's thought of something. Curing fears… The machine didn't work properly, but it did show them the root causes. And if they can find that out.

He runs out of the room. He knows how to fix Phineas.


	6. Chapter 6

They're inside Phineas's subconscious now, using the machine leftover from when they were kids, because this is the only way to find out what's wrong with him. Phineas hasn't wanted to be here, but he has to be- the machine, years old now, won't pull the others inside his subconscious without him there. Candace waits outside to watch over them- she doesn't trust Irving to do it, after last time. Irving has jumped at the chance to be inside the brain of one of his two greatest heroes, even if Phineas is nowhere near his peak condition right now.

The gang is all here, all five of them, plus tagalong Irving. They're walking through Phineas's mindscape, and it's a frightening place.

It looks as if it has been wonderful, once. There are incredible machines scattered around everywhere, and the landscapes are fantastic. But everything has been ripped apart, and in the tears, there is darkness.

"I think I see the problem, dinner bell," Buford says, "Your brain's broken."

Phineas gives Buford a small smile. Here, he looks different. He isn't shaking, and he's not so emaciated or pale, but he's not quite… solid. He wavers a bit, depending on what's around him. Ferb thinks it's because his mind is affecting himself. It hasn't happened with anyone else they've used the machine on because they've all been themselves. Their minds weren't falling apart.

"We know that, Buford," Baljeet says, rolling his eyes. "We are here to discover why his brain is malfunctioning."

"Right," Isabella says. Her eyebrows are drawn tightly together, and she's biting her lower lip, looking from the landscape around them to Phineas and back. "So where should we start?

Ferb knows how she feels. This sight is horrifying. He can't believe the extent of the damage on Phineas's psyche. No wonder his brother can't stop shivering, can't keep any food down, can't concentrate.

He wonders how long this has been building up.

"The forest of memory, I guess," Phineas says with a shrug, giving Isabella a reassuring smile. "Since I don't know what's got me so upset, an outsider's take on my memories should help a lot. And since I don't have amnesia or anything, it probably isn't quite as… broken as this part of my head."

Isabella reaches out and squeezes Phineas's hand.

There's a shudder, and everything presses together a bit, with a squelching noise.

"What was that?" Irving asks.

A new crack has opened up in Phineas's mind, not three feet from them. Black smoke is pouring out of it.

"I don't know, but I think it's probably what we're looking for," Ferb says.

Phineas's smile wavers and the beginnings of a realization appear on his face, but there's another shake, and his expression returns to normal. "Come on," he says, "I think we'd better hurry."

They walk for a long time, climbing over gorges or walking around them, and at last they reach Phineas's forest of memory. He stops.

"I- I don't want to go in, guys," he says softly. "Maybe you can go without me."

Ferb, who's beginning to get an idea about what's going on, and who remembers the doctor's words (there's obviously something troubling him, but for the life of us we can't figure out what- even he doesn't seem to know), touches his brother's shoulder.

He doesn't want to do this. If he's right, then what they're about to do will make Phineas face everything he's ever avoided, and it will hurt him. And the last thing Ferb wants to do is hurt his brother. But he's pretty sure this is the only way to help him, and if it hurts at first, at least this way he won't be going through it alone.

He looks into Phineas's eyes and tries to communicate this.

As usual, Phineas understands what's going on in Ferb's head without him saying a word. He gives his brother a small smile that's full of more fear than Ferb has ever seen on his face before, and takes a step forward.

The forest may not be torn to pieces, but it's not organized the way it's supposed to be, with the newest memories nearest the outside, and some of the trees are far fatter than others. Ferb guesses these are the memories Phineas thinks are most important. Some of the trees are shrouded in blackness. These are all short and starved-looking. As Ferb watches, one of the dark trees ripples and shoots out a branch. The mindscape ripples, and the darkness spreads around this tree. As this happens, the squelching feeling comes back.

Repression, Ferb supposes, takes quite a bit of work.

"What do we do now?" Isabella asks.

Phineas bites his lip and says, "The dark ones. I think… I think I need to look at what's happening in there."

Isabella moves towards Phineas, but he puts a hand up. "Don't-" he starts.

She draws back, hurt.

Phineas's eyes soften and he smiles at her. "It's not… Just… not now, okay? I think it's a bad idea."

Until things are a bit more stable, Ferb agrees. He's known his brother likes Isabella for years. He hasn't said anything because he disapproves of meddling. They'll figure it out on their own eventually, and if he gets involved it'll most likely just mess things up. But he's never known if Phineas, Mr. Oblivious, has any idea of his feelings for the girl (Ferb knows his brother has no idea how Isabella feels about him). It would appear that Phineas does know, on some level, that he feels more than friendship for Isabella, and might even know that he's been hiding this from himself.

Ferb appreciates his brother's attempt to keep anything else from collapsing.

"Let's start with this one," Buford suggests. It's a particularly large tree, in a grove that, as far as Ferb can tell from the images swirling between the trees, is from a bit before Phineas's episodes began.

The group walk up to the tree and, taking a collective deep breath, step into the dark fog.

Inside, it's a sunny day. Phineas is sitting in the backyard next to Ferb, and Jeremy has just come through the gate.

"Hey guys," he says. "Are you busy?"

"Nah, what's up?" Phineas asks.

"Well, I was wondering… I'm thinking about proposing to Candace. Do you guys think you could help me make it the best date ever beforehand?"

Ferb, watching this play out like a movie in front of him, is hit with a wave of surprise and fear. Thoughts that aren't his show up: Candace is getting married? But that's-

The squelch comes back, and with it another thought: Shut up, be happy for her! So what if things are changing? You always knew she'd marry Jeremy. Just because it's sooner than you thought doesn't mean you have any right to get upset.

The Phineas next to Ferb takes in a shuddering gasp. Ferb puts a hand on his shoulder.

The darkness swirls, and suddenly they're in a different memory: Isabella walks through the gate and smiles at Phineas. "Whatcha doin'?"

Both Phineases smile back, but there's another squelch that comes in time with the feeling of a heart pumping faster: Don't ruin this! You've got something good here, letting a stupid childhood crush get in the way of one of your oldest friendships is a very bad idea. Don't even think about her like that.

Phineas's hands go over his face as everyone stares at him. Isabella is blushing, but she's also smiling. Buford and Baljeet are staring, obviously dumbfounded at the fact that Phineas hasn't noticed Isabel's feelings for him yet.

Ferb understands it, though. His brother has been too busy reminding himself not to think that way that it's never occurred to him that Isabella likes him back.

She grabs her crush's hand and smiles at him. Phineas doesn't pull away.

The darkness swirls again and Phineas is alone in their bedroom, looking at a photo. It features a redheaded woman with a little girl, a baby, and a man with a triangular head and a big smile. The woman is obviously Linda, and the girl Candace. The baby's pointy nose identifies him as Phineas, and the man-

There's a large squelch, and the Phineas in the memory crumples the photo and throws it at the trash can. You have a dad. A good one. One who stuck around, who shows you old TV shows and takes you to antique conventions and is always up for an adventure. A dad who's here. Stop thinking about the man you look like. He doesn't matter. He left. Your family is perfect the way it is, and you shouldn't wonder about what it could have been like.

Besides, the voice whispers, do you really wish he'd stayed? Then you'd never have had Ferb.

Ferb, whose hand hasn't left Phinea's shoulder, squeezes his brother's arm. He wants to tell him it's perfectly natural to wonder about the father he's never met. Perfectly normal. Just because he loves their dad doesn't mean he can't want to love his own, too.

Phineas puts his free hand over Ferb's. He doesn't look away, though, and the mist swirls again.

They lose track of the memories, but somehow, eventually, Ferb and Isabella both end up giving Phineas one-armed hugs as they progress through the mist. Phineas is holding onto both of them, squeezing so tightly Ferb almost winces.

It appears that Phineas has been sitting on quite a few of his memories- an extraordinary number of them, actually. For most people, the repressed memories are embarrassing incidents or horrifying moments. But for Phineas, it's things he doesn't approve of thinking or feeling. There are a hundred memories of feelings for Isabella, several angry thoughts at people (Ferb wants to laugh, a little, at how many times Phineas has tried to squash minor irritation at something his brother did- he settles for hugging his brother tighter, though, because the thought that always accompanies this is Ferb never gets upset with you, chatterbox! What right do you have to get upset with him? He's the better brother. This break Ferb's heart. He couldn't ask for a better brother than Phineas, and he gets annoyed at Phineas often. He just doesn't let it get in the way.), longings for his birth father, ideas that he thinks are 'stupid' or 'dangerous,' but Ferb thinks look fascinating.

Finally, they come to one that stands out in Ferb's mind:

They're sitting at the breakfast table, and Linda says, "Boys, I've been thinking that it might be time to start looking for colleges for you."

Phineas gets excited about this- for a minute. He's thinking of a list of schools he's already drawn up in his head when Ferb says something. Phineas doesn't remember it exactly, but he does see that it's not a school on his list.

Phineas's world shatters. Ferb doesn't want to go to the same school he does. He hasn't thought much about it, but he's sort of thought that they would all go to the same college.

This is a stupid idea, of course, he realizes. And he thinks he could handle it, for the most part. He can keep in contact with his friends, and they'll always have summer. But without Ferb?

Another memory runs through this one: Ferb stands two stairs above Phineas, watching Candace's accidental party, and says, "When we have our own place, it will be like this every night."

Phineas doesn't realize how much he's been depending on this we. He's always known he could handle the future with Ferb there. He hasn't been scared of it because he's assumed his brother will be by his side, scheming and moving on to new things, too. He's sort of assumed they'll get an apartment together and be roommates until the far distant hazy day in the future when one or both of them get married (Isabella flashes in Phineas's memory and is pushed out of it as fast as she showed up).

But Ferb wants to go somewhere different. And suddenly Phineas's future is very, very frightening.

The biggest squelch yet shakes through them, and the voice that is part of Phineas himself insists, Of course he wants to go somewhere else. And you'll be happy for him, because he deserves it.

Because this is what Phineas has been doing: he's been pushing down every ounce of dissatisfaction. He won't be unhappy for his friends and family. He is the happy one. He will always be the happy one. And he will not ruin anyone else's happiness.

The darkness disappears, and Phineas leans his head on his brother's shoulder and lets out a sob.


	7. Chapter 7

Isabella, Buford, and Baljeet are all staring at the spectacle of the two brothers sitting together on a hospital bed, one holding the other while he sobs. Isabella is the first one to move. She comes forward and kisses Phineas on the cheek.

"I've loved you since we were eight years old," she whispers to him. "That's never going to change."

Phineas smiles weakly back at her, head still resting on Ferb's shoulder. She moves away, but he grabs her hand and squeezes it.

"Gotta be hard, lettin' everybody know all your secrets at once," Buford whispers to Baljeet. "Embarrassin'."

Baljeet elbows him and whispers, "Be sensitive! Or I will get Ferb to rewire things so that we can go inside your mind next!"

Buford rolls his eyes, but shuts up.

Isabella sits down on Phineas's other side, and Ferb turns to his brother and asks, "Do you expect me to be quiet all the time?"

Phineas looks at Ferb in confusion. "Of course not," he says.

"Then why do you think we expect you to be happy all the time?" Ferb asks.

Phineas opens his mouth to answer, then shuts it, eyes widening. "Oh," he says softly.

Buford snorts. "Clueless as ever."

"Buford!" Baljeet snaps. "I told you to be sensitive!"

Isabella giggles, and Phineas laughs. It's a beautiful sound.

* * *

Of course, nothing is that easy. It takes a very long time for Phineas to get completely better- almost a year. Sometimes he looks like he's almost back to normal, and then he gets worse than he's been in ages. Ferb and Isabella take turns comforting him- Ferb takes nights, and Isabella takes days. They're sharing Phineas a lot more equally now, and though there are conflicts- Isabella is jealous of Ferb's near constant Phineas exposure, and Ferb has a hard time getting used to there being occasions when Phineas doesn't want him around, but they keep these problems from the boy they're sharing. He doesn't need anything else to worry about, not 'til he's dealt with his own problems.

He seems more fragile, now. He's gaining weight again, eating, exercising, going outside, and from the outside he probably looks the same as he did before this all began, but his family treats him like he's a bit more delicate- everyone except Ferb.

Because while Ferb may not share all his problems with Phineas any longer, he knows that Phineas hates being treated like he can't handle anything. He wants to get over his breakdown and go back to how things were- only better, because now he'll be dealing with his problems instead of burying them. So Ferb treats Phineas like nothing's changed, when he doesn't need help. Sometimes they'll be building something and Phineas's hands will start to shake; or he'll wake up in the middle of the night, breathing too heavily and sweating; or he'll be eating and stop, queasy; or he'll just start crying. Then Ferb will hold his brother and listen, and say what needs to be said.

But he does not treat Phineas like a child, or an invalid, or someone who's broken. Because that's not what he wants.

It's a long road to recovery, but Ferb will be there for Phineas every step of the way. And eventually, things do get better.

* * *

**So that's the end of my first crapfic.**


End file.
